I get a ton of email per day from randoms. Most of this is standard run-of-the-mill "You are my new hero" stuff, some is just weird, but the ones that really make me laugh are the angry emails. I just picture someone steaming mad, face all red, pounding away at their keyboard, screaming at their monitor with rage. All because they are mad at someone they don't know.
I got an email a few days ago that cracked me up, so I wrote back an absurd response, to see what she'd do. It only got better. Honestly, this might not be funny to you if you don't deal with hundreds of these stupid emails every day, but it cracked me up.
This is the whole exchange, starting with her first email:
---------- Original message ----------
From: dayasha21
Date: Fri, 17 Sep 2004 12:40:53 EDT
Subject: pee blame story
To: tuckermax@gmail.com
You are a fucking homo. I hope your penis shrivels up and falls off. You are not and never will be famous. You will forever be one of those lame assholes at the bar who thinks his shit doesn't stink. And in LA, you are a typical "I'm on the Internet, that means I'm a celebrity person."
I read the earlier stories and thought you were hilarious. The newer stories portray you as a selfish cowardly bastard, who can only get insecure and extremely inebriated girls. Definitely something to be proud of. You are the epitome of loser Tucker, and this story proves it.
You are a good writer, but let me tell you something Midwestern boy, you are a dime a dozen in LA, I meet a new Tucker Max every time I go to a bar, and I tell them the same thing I am telling you. Fuck off.
You may be a big fish (and even this I doubt), in a small pond over in Lincoln Park or Bucktown, but in the place where it matters for the career you are trying to pursue, you are nothing but another waiter. So go get my venti nonfat half-calf latte bitch, and maybe I'll pretend like I'm interested in your ever original desire to become famous.
---------- Original message ----------
From: Tucker Max
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 2004 02:20:24 -0500
Subject: Re: pee blame story
To: dayasha21
So I guess this means you are into me? Send me a pic and we can go from there. You better be hot.
---------- Original message ----------
From: dayasha21@aol.com
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 2004 19:12:36 EDT
Subject: Re: pee blame story
To: tuckermax@gmail.com
Get your head out of your ass. You are one delusional motherfucker. I meant it when I said you are a dime a dozen out here. If I was an emotionally unstable self-loathing basket case, I could find plenty of physically flawless emotionally empty people at the bars in LA. What the fuck would I want with your unemployed ass. But seeing as how I have both self-confidence and self-respect, I would never touch your herpes infested, tired and most likely unusually small penis. And don't go being Mr. Originality on me and say that the reason I am saying this is because I am ugly and fat. Because if you ever ran into me, I think you might recant that statement.
But seriously, I think your big break into Hollywood is coming soon, in the meantime table 6 needs their check.
---------- Original message ----------
From: Tucker Max
Date: Mon, 20 Sep 2004 18:51:02 -0500
Subject: Re: pee blame story
To: "dayasha21@aol.com"
Sweet. So what do you like to do in bed? I am into dominance and roll playing. You better be as hot as you say though. When and where do you want to meet?
----- Original Message -----
From: dayasha21
Date: Tue, 21 Sep 2004 00:19:35 EDT
Subject: Re: pee blame story
To: tuckermax@gmail.com
I HATE YOU AND WANT YOU TO DIE.
---------- Original message ----------
From: Tucker Max
Date: Tue, 21 Sep 2004 00:29:59 EDT
Subject: Re: pee blame story
To: "dayasha21@aol.com"
Don't threaten me with a good time! So when do you want to meet up? Your emails are turning me on!
Posted by Tucker Max at 3:15 AM