Alright, for real, underage girls need to stop emailing me. This is getting out of control.
I got this email yesterday. She attached a picture and I looked at it before I read the email. I was about to write her back and tell her that I would definitely hook up with her...until I read SHE WAS FOURTEEN. I feel so dirty--I swear the girl looks at least nineteen. I hit the "Report Spam" button and then took a shower:
Dear Tucker,
I know you get billions of emails everyday and that you will probably never gettin around to reading this but who cares, it's late, I'm bored and I am resisting sleep! So I figure that writing to email to you is a great idea! Why? I'm not sure. I have been thinking about emailing you for a while but I don't understand why.
I'm a 14 year old freshman girl who is addicted to your website. I know, there are tons of us, but I can't stop talking about your stories at lunch. Wow, I do sound immature. ANYWAYS! I was going to give an example...
This afternoon at lunch I was telling two of my friends, "You guys have to see tuckermax.com! He's fucking hilarious! EVERYTHING HE WRITES IS TRUE! It's all sexual!" (as you know this appeals to high schoolers... we're all horny as fuck so naturally reading stories like The Blowjob Follies is naturally entertaining and appealing!) Back to the story! "There is this one group of stories called The Blowjob Follies and there is this one where he pulls out, and he's really young, and he totally hit the girl in the eye!" Needless to say, my friend shot snapple out his nose. I tell everyone I can about you! My friend (who is older) parties a lot and always ends up passing out so I told her about The Famous Sushi Pants Story and how you woke up with a 0.9! Plus, I love telling people about your tape recorder; I have always wanted to do that!
Why did I write you exactly? I am not quite sure. Maybe to let you know that I exist. Maybe knowing that you might read this will help me sleep at night. Or could it be that I am just so fascinated by you that I hope that you make actually respond are do something with this email... who knows!
I do know that I am now a lot more knowledgeable about the sex-alcohol filled world that lies before me! I know that in the future I will come to party like Tucker Max. And when I do I shall find you, wherever you are, and thank you for teaching me the crazed ways of the modern world. Or at least the sexual, alcoholic part of the modern world.
To you, I am just a insignificant high school freshman. But to me, you are my invisible teacher whom I know is there but is just so out of reach that the sun causes a glowing aura around him. Wow... I love writing profoundly!
OH! I am totally getting of topic! You are my teacher and I am now less scared of... everything! Wierd, no? You are such an "asshole" yet you are building my confidence! Whatever! You are Tucker Max.
Anyways, I probably should end this because... I sadly have school tomorrow. So before I go I want to compliment you on all of your websites and you being you! I also would like to add that your writing skills are amazing and I know that if I could write like you I would be doing hella awesome!
Thank you for everything! You truly are an amazing guy! Even if you are a bit of an asshole, the whole world is an asshole too!
Posted by Tucker Max at 3:10 AM