I will tell you upfront that I haven't laughed as hard as I did last night in probably a year or more, since the time my friend Nils slept with the same girl I did the same night, and didn't know it. The problem is that last night was the very definition of a "had to be there" moment. I am going to write this story up, only as an exercise in showing you why it is so hard to write what seem like easy stories:

We go to dinner at Gibson's and then across the street to Jill's, which is like an old school piano bar, and has mostly an older crowd. On top of the bar, wrapping around the entire bar, an electric train runs. Well we were pretty shitty, so JD decides he wants to touch the train. He reaches up as it comes by to put his hand on it, and of course knocks it off the track by accident. He kinda gets this guilty look on his face, then reaches back up to try and put it back on the track.

As he touches the train, something very wrong happened--a shower of sparks started shooting everywhere and all the lights on and around the track flickered then went off. He immediately pulled his hand away, and I fucking collapsed in laughter.

The bouncer comes running over yelling at him about how he's going to have to pay $1000 for the train, and JD, with the saddest most pathetic drunk puppy dog eyes ever, looks at the bouncer for a second, then points to some other dude in the bar, as if he is blameless.

I couldn't deal with it. I damn near choked I was laughing so hard...see, you had to be there.

Anyway, the next place we went JD goes up to this group of women who were standing together obviously trying to cheer one of their members up and tries to start up a conversation by telling the women that I am the most famous guy at the bar. The group tries to make the claim that one of their members is more famous because she is dating Bill from The Apprentice. Sorry bitch, I turned The Apprentice down. I win.

Anyway, the hottest one in the group was being a total bitch to me, so I calmly stop her mid sentence and say, "What happened to you that you feel you need to act like such a bitch?"

That stopped her dead in her tracks. It was then I noticed that she had a wedding band and huge engagement ring...on her RIGHT HAND.

You know what that means? She's a recent widow.

So as you can imagine, that pretty much ended that conversation.

The we went up to Wrigleyville, JD passed out in the cab, and I picked up some hot girl. She was sitting at the bar next to this group of total dipshits. The dude right next to her couldn't have been more of a fuck up, so I asked, "If this is your boyfriend, please tell me what the fuck he is doing right so I can imitate it, because it's not obvious. To me, he looks like a dipshit."

She thought it was hilarious, and told me that he is not her boyfriend, just some dipshit who tried to pick her up. Game on.

Posted by Tucker Max at 10:07 PM

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